I’ll Tell You Mine If You’ll Tell Me Yours

How do I bring up nontraditional sexual topics with my wife of many years?

This is a short and to-the-point question that could have a very long answer-whole books, in fact, have been written on this topic. But you don't specify what "nontraditional sexual topics" you are interested in. For some people, this could mean any type of sex outside missionary-position, penis-in-vagina intercourse. For others, this could mean enacting fantasies involving restraints, rubber and public humiliation in front of a packed crowd at a sex club.

Whatever topic you are thinking of, it can be difficult to bring up the issue of trying something new with a long-term partner. Even if you feel that your sex life is in a rut, you want to avoid implying that your partner is inadequate or saying something that will hurt her feelings. Sometimes the very act of discussing your sex life can seem to your partner like a personal attack.

To avoid this, try asking your partner first about her sexual fantasies. Most people have some sort of active sexual fantasy life, although many of us are too shy to discuss it. If you want to try new things with your wife, start with the goal of finding out what "nontraditional" activities she might enjoy before sharing your desires with her. Let her know that you love her and want her to be happy (if that's true), and that you want to hear about what the two of you could do together to bring her pleasure.

Think about ways to bring up sex that would feel safe and comfortable for both of you. If talking directly seems too difficult, could you each write a letter to the other describing a new activity that you'd like to try? Perhaps buying a book of erotica for couples, such as Violet Blue's Sweet Life, and taking turns reading the stories out loud to each other would spark some ideas and some discussions of likes and dislikes. Reading erotic books by yourself and marking stories or passages that turn you on for your partner to see can also get conversations going.

When we open ourselves up to others and offer them our deepest fantasies, there is always a risk that they will reject these fantasies and label us as sick or perverse. I would be lying if I said that bringing up fetishes, kinky sex, threesomes or any other taboo topic always goes smoothly. Be prepared for the fact that your wife may not be interested in participating in the activities you'd like to try, and may even appear to be repulsed by the suggestion. This does not mean that you are bad or that your desires are wrong. It may mean that she needs some time to get used to the idea or that what you're asking for is beyond her personal limits. Be prepared for a variety of reactions to any kind of fantasies or scenarios that you propose.

Want Laura to answer your questions in SEXpress? Send them to laura@shepex.com. Not all questions received will be answered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questions that do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced in this column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity and content.

Laura Anne Stuart owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee's East Side. She has a master's degree in public health and has worked as a sexuality educator for more than a decade.